What if there was crying in baseball?

It’s a classic scene. Even if you haven’t seen the movie, you’ve probably heard the line. It’s right up there with “I’ll have what she’s having” and “Nobody puts baby in a corner” (although I was a little surprised it didn’t make it onto this list of famous movie quotes). Just in case you are unfamiliar, or if you’d like to get re-acquainted, here is the scene from the 1992 sports comedy-drama, A League of Their Own

 

Disclaimer: I love this movie, this is a great scene, and Tom Hanks is bae. I’m not attempting to criticize the movie, but rather examine the dynamics of the interaction portrayed, which while more dramatic and entertaining than everyday life, nevertheless depicts some pervasive social norms.

Let’s look at what’s going on in the first minute and a half of this scene. Jimmy Dougan (Tom Hanks) is the coach of the baseball team that Evelyn Gardner (Bitty Schram) plays on. Evelyn makes a mistake that costs the team their lead, which makes Jimmy yell and Evelyn cry. And what strikes me about the scene is that it’s not Jimmy’s anger or Evelyn’s sadness and shame that get in the way of everyone’s day moving forward: it’s Jimmy’s reaction to Evelyn’s crying. Which leads me to 2 questions:

  1. Why does it make Jimmy so angry that Evelyn is crying?
  2. Why is it perfectly acceptable for a him to yell for an extended period of time and make everyone uncomfortable, but unacceptable for a woman to cry softly and make him uncomfortable?

Think about how this interaction would go if Jimmy wasn’t bothered by the fact that Evelyn was crying–if he expressed his anger and disappointment in her performance on the field by yelling, and she expressed her sadness and shame by crying, and then they moved on with their day. While it would make a crappy movie scene, it would make everyone’s lives involved so much easier.

I’d like to argue that the “problem” with crying in public (at work, in social settings, on the sidewalk when you see a homeless kitten) is not the person crying, but with the extreme discomfort crying elicits in many onlookers. But what if it wasn’t a problem?

Allow me one brief story to drive my point home. In 2008 I worked with a performance art company in Amsterdam, Netherlands. One day we were in a company meeting, and somebody’s cell phone rang. “Ooooooooh!” I thought, “Someone is going to be so busted! God, how embarrassing for them that their cell phone is ringing, how unprofessional, they must feel like such a jerk.” But then, something shocking happened: nobody cared that the cell phone was ringing, and the meeting just continued on as normal. You see, I had been conditioned to think that an errant cell phone ring was a problem big enough to warrant bringing everything to a grinding halt and shooting death-glares at the offending party. And because that’s what I’d been conditioned to think, I never considered that there was an alternative. Nobody had to fix the problem because there was no problem. Nobody had to get mad, or embarrassed, because there was no problem. It blew my mind.

What if seeing somebody cry didn’t have to make you feel uncomfortable? What if we were as accepting of crying in public as we are of laughing, or yelling, or smiling? What if crying was just another thing that happens sometimes, and that didn’t have to stop everything else that’s happening?

What if there was crying in baseball?

Until next time,

The Cry Babe

 

 

 

Kinds of Cry

What are some reasons a person might cry?*

*…okay by “a person” I mean me, and by “might” I mean “an exhaustive list of reasons I already have…today.”

Let’s be honest. Not all cries are equal. Crying because you got fired feels very different than crying because you’ve been dumped, feels very different still from crying (sobbing) because you’re on your period and you’re wearing a maxi dress and your husband wants to go for a walk but the shoes you’re wearing look stupid with your dress and you think you look like a Peanuts character. (That 3rd one is universal, right? Just me? Okay.) So in my quest to examine and normalize crying, I thought that a good place to start would be to list the different reasons there are for crying. In generating the list I noticed some things. Meet me at the bottom to hear more about that.

  • Shame
  • Grief
  • Heartbreak
  • Physical Pain
  • Surprise
  • Vulnerability
  • Sadness (see also: Grief and Loss)
  • Happiness
  • Laughter
  • Loss (see also: Grief)
  • Beauty
  • Humility
  • Hormonal cry
  • Sex: Pain (see also: Physical Pain)
  • Sex: Orgasm (see also: Vulnerability, Surprise, Release, and Awe/Overwhelm)
  • Confusion (see also: Shame)
  • Embarrassment (see also: Shame)
  • Art (see also: Awe/Overwhelm, Beauty, Surprise, Vulnerability, Nostalgia)
  • Frustration
  • Disappointment
  • Exhaustion
  • Empathy (see also: everything else on this list)
  • Hunger
  • Anger
  • Betrayal
  • Jealousy (see also: Shame)
  • Anxiety
  • Hang Over (see also: Physical Pain and Hunger)
  • Release
  • Relief
  • You Hear a Song (see also: Art)
  • Awe/Overwhelm
  • Nostalgia (see also: Grief, Loss, and Heartbreak)
  • Injustice (see also: Anger, Frustration, Disappointment, and Empathy)
  • Loss of Control (see also: Fear and Shame)
  • Cutting an onion
  • Dust in your eyes
  • Hayfever
  • Because something is SO FLUFFEH
  • I don’t know, I just am!
  • Because you’re still asking me this question (*quiet sobs*) (see also: Frustration)

Okay. That was a long list, and I’m sure there are things that I left out. Now on to some of the things I noticed.

Looking at this list I am struck by 1. How long it is, and 2. That emotions that are seemingly opposite are nevertheless both on the same list. For example, Sadness and Happiness. Anxiety and Relief. Disappointment and Benedict Cumberbatch (okay, so that last one isn’t on the list, but is definitely the opposite of Disappointment.). That tells me that I can cry for lots of different reasons, and that those reasons can be seemingly contradictory.

As I was listing these reasons, I also noticed that to me, many of them seemed to be related, or even to be sub-sets of one another (hence the “see also”s after some of the reasons.) This tells me that a reason I am crying often isn’t one single reason, but rather a combination of many, inter-connected reasons.

And something that surprised me about writing this list was that it brought up a big question: All of these reasons make me cry. So what is it like to feel these things for someone who doesn’t cry? That’s something I’m excited to explore in future posts.

Until next time,

The Cry Babe

Welcome to Can’t Not Cry

“You could sooner ask me to stop breathing than to stop crying.”

-My friend at lunch the other day, during a Super Serious Conversation.

 

Crying is something that every single person has done in their life (even if you never cry now you cried when you were a baby. ADMIT IT). Many of us cry often, and yet the only place that seems to be safe and acceptable to cry in our society is in the privacy of our own homes (or closets, or bathroom stalls) so that people who don’t love us unconditionally need not see it/hear it/know about it.

…which is super weird. Imagine if we had the same taboos about laughter as we have for crying. After all, laughter is a very similar physiological process to crying (breath, diaphragmatic movement, and facial expressions are often indistinguishable), laughter sometimes leads to crying (and vise versa) and both are universal, basic human emotions. Sure, there are occasions during which laughter is frowned upon, but as a whole laughter (unlike crying) is acceptable in every social sphere. Laughter (unlike crying) is not considered unprofessional. And laughter (unlike crying) is not considered to be a gendered activity.

WTF? How did we, as a society, arrive at this strange relationship we have with crying? Who made these rules? And why do they persist? Why do I cry a million times a week but my husband only cries once a decade? How do people on opposite ends of the cry spectrum negotiate a relationship? If crying is a universal, basic human emotion then why does half the population seem to suppress it almost entirely!? Why is it that when I don’t want to cry I can’t stop crying, but when I want to cry (hi, I’m and actor) I can’t make myself cry?!?! WHO BUILT STONEHENGE?!?!?!?

Well, I don’t have the answers, but I’m hoping that by asking the questions and sharing my experience that I can arrive at something helpful. Or comforting. Or make you feel less alone, or more validated. Or help you understand why the person you love is crying, and what you’d like to do in response.

Not crying isn’t an option. So let’s make the best of it.

Until next time,

The Cry Babe